Transparency part 2

I have so many friends lately who are contemplating adoption or foster care. And I love it! I think it is an amazing thing that they are doing. I even love the idea of it myself. I just don't feel at peace about it. It makes me cry just thinking about it, because it is something I want. I know God is in control of all of this. So I just am constantly praying for peace and clarity in ALL situations. I often think "maybe we should start looking into the adoption process". But then I feel restless and stressed and it never feels right. So please just continue to pray with and for us. And pray that God provides me with someone to really talk to about all of this, because it's hard, and very few understand.

Transparency

I haven't written in awhile because there hasn't been much to say. I swapped doctors. Like my new one. She definitely wants me to loose more weight. It was recommended that I go on a diet pill, but after much prayer,  I decided that it wasn't for me! So, I am trying Plexus and will see if it helps me. She wants me to loose about 60 lbs more before going through any more fertility treatments. It's a lot. I've lost more than that already, so I know it's attainable, it's just a matter of doing so. Just continue to pray for me as I battle food addiction and work to wrap my mind around that food is a necessity, not a thrill ride.

Blood work (again!)

Thursday, April 21, I had my day 21 blood work again. I am still waiting for the results and will update as soon as we get them. Joseph is so precious to drive me because I hate going and parking, just to be in the office for like 15 minutes. We are in a major stage of waiting and waiting for an extended period of time just for my results causes me to be so anxious!

Daily struggles

Some days are so much harder than others (especially when I feel like I shouldn't be upset!) Today has been one of those days. Everything has made me cry and all the while trying to be so happy. A friend celebrated the birth of her newest grand baby and while I truly was so happy for her, I cried when she left the room because it hurts that it's not me. I think i often get upset more that i am actually upset than i am about what has caused me to be.
Oh how I pray that I can continue and always find contentment in Christ. That no matter what I will be satisfied in Him and Him alone.

Round 3

I started my 3rd round of Clomid today. 150mg for 5 days. I know it is nutty to think that it works fast, but I promise it sends a surge of emotions! (I was crying at DWTS within an hour!)  It has been a rough day anyway. Josephs uncle Dwight passed away and we had his funeral today. So needless to say my emotions are going haywire! I'm lying in bed trying so hard to keep it together when all I want to do is loose it and cry. I'm not exactly sure why. Nothing has "happened". But I am having moments of feeling down. The past 24 hours have been filled with lots of questions of when we plan to have kids, if we plan to, talk about future kids and it's hard. I don't know what God has planned for us. But I'm trying so incredibly hard to remember that HE KNOWS! And that is what is most important. He knows and has everything in control, even when I don't understand it.
This precious man doesn't always have the words to say when I get upset, but he does hold my hand and lets me know he is here. And that's all I can ask for.

Results

Oh how I pray I continue to trust in Christ through everything and every circumstance.
I finally had to call and find out the results of my blood work. In my eyes the blood work wasn't good. My level was .71 so definitely low. Not at all what I had hoped and prayed for. But I know that Christ is in control in all circumstances so I'm clinging to the knowledge that He knows that is absolutely best for me.
So where do we go from here? I will do one more round of Clomid - 150mg. Depending on how that goes, I will more than likely be referred to a fertility specialist. So pray for me. And pray for Joseph too. He said that he is fine with whatever I choose. So please Pray for clarity and certainty. I want to follow Christ in our decisions. So we covet all your prayers in every situation of this process.

Present day

So that takes us to today! March 12, 2016. I ended up having to do another round of provera and then started the clomid. I was so thankful my emotions were better this time. I still had my moments but they were not as frequent as they had been. No idea why, but for the moment I am thankful. Yesterday I had my day 21 blood work and now I am just waiting. Waiting to hear what my numbers were and to see where we will go next. (Although I'm fairly certain we will go to 150mg of clomid!) I am praying for a number over 1. Even that little bit of an increase will give me hope. But what I need is prayer. Prayer that even if it is not good news that I continue to trust in God and remember that for whatever reason he is in complete control. It's can be so easy to get discouraged and allow yourself to struggle.
So as we await the numbers enjoy a lovely photo of me after my blood work!

What followed

After the HSG I had blood work scheduled for my "day 21" count. Basically this would tell me if I ovulated on time or not. I had not had a positive OPT (ovulation prediction test) nor had my temperature told me anything so I wasn't expecting good news. However, I didn't expect it to be what it was. They want your number to be over 15 and mine was .4  I was crushed.  Basically my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to. I held it together and the nurse told me that we would start clomid on my next cycle.
What she didn't tell me was that because of low numbers, my cycle would be off (and it had been off for awhile!). So I ended up having to take progesterone pills called Provera to make my cycle start. And then we did the clomid. So once again I was scheduled for blood work on day 21. 50mg of clomid. The combination of the two medicines made me an emotional trajn wreck. Everything made me cry and poor Joseph got to deal with mh crazy moods! Oh how I prayed it would work even just a slight bit. But then I got the call. Remember that number that was supposed to be over 15 and mine was .4? Well this time it was .35 even lower.  She told me we would double to 100mg for the next cycle and then we hung up. I cried and cried. And prayed and cried somemore. All the while being so thankful for a sister who understands and a mother who is so sympathetic.  I have a husband who is patient and our God who is constantly with us and never leaving us even when I feel all hope is lost I know he is there.